The Legend of the Courageous Hamtaro
A Hamtaro Transcript by Kiwi Kenobi
(Laura is running home, she’s very cheerful. She passes by Brandy’s doghouse as she runs inside.)
Laura: Hi, Brandy! Time to get up!
(Laura runs into her room)
Hamtaro: (thinks) She’s back!
Laura: Hey, Little Guy!
Hamtaro: (thinks) Hi, Laura! I’ve been waiting for ya!
(Laura opens Hamtaro’s cage, and Hamtaro jumps out onto her hand)
Hamtaro: (thinks) No arguments here. I’m all yours. What’re we gonna play? Whiz-wheel of fortune? Ham-and-seek?
(Laura takes a book out of her backpack)
Laura: Look what I’ve got here. I borrowed it from the library today.
Hamtaro: (thinks) A book? Okay, I guess I’m game.
(Laura sits on the bed next to Hamtaro)
Laura: I’ll read it to you, all right, Hamtaro?
Hamtaro: (thinks) I’m all ears. And fur.
Laura: (reads from the book) Once upon a time, long, long ago, there lived a beautiful princess in a faraway land. The princess and the people in the kingdom were very happy until (her eyes start to close as she drifts off to sleep) one day…that changed.
Hamtaro: Changed? Yeah, go on. I know! Why don’t you skip to the brave hamster part? (yawns)
(Laura and Hamtaro both fall asleep. We see their dream: a fairy tale castle in the middle of a huge field of sunflowers. Laura is dressed in a princess dress, with Pashimna and Penelope as her handmaidens holding her train.)
Laura: The sunflowers are abloom, and the Ham-Ham Kingdom is perfectly peaceful.
Pashmina: So many sunflowers! The good citizens of our Hamdom should have enough food to live happily ever after.
Laura: At least. Nothing can spoil this, I’m certain.
Laura: And now I shall here the daily news of the Ham-Ham Kingdom.
(Maxwell, Dexter, Howdy, Stan, and Sandy are all dressed up as knights in armor with swords on their belts)
Maxwell: Fair morning to you. (bows to Laura)
(Laura turns around, dragging Pashmina and Penelope on her train)
Maxwell: Raise your swords to our princess.
Dexter, Howdy, Stan, and Sandy: Glad tidings, Princess Laura.
Howdy: How goes it?
Laura: Good morning to you all, my courageous Ham-Ham Knights.
Stan: (steps forward, clears his throat) I, Sir Stan Brag-a-Lot, bid my lady glad tidings this fair morn. As the most chivalrous knight of the Hamdom, I declare that all evil-doers have been driven from land by the gallant Ham-Ham Knights.
Dexter: (aside, to Howdy) Most chivalrous knight? Givest me a break. I don’t remember anyone voting him in as the bravest knight.
Howdy: He ain’t brave, more like a knave. Sir Stan, the shining Navel! (laughs)
Dexter: Can’t you at least spare me from the stinky jokes when we’re in someone’s dreams?
Howdy: (mad) Who says it’s a dream?
Stan: Behold, I shall amaze you with my swordplay!
(Stan pulls out his sword and jumps around a little bit.)
Stan: I’m the Ham!
(Stan’s belt falls down. He blushes. Laura blushes. Stan pulls up his belt, embarrassed.)
Stan: Oh, I hate it when that happenest.
Pashmina: (gasps) Princess Laura! The Ham Star!
(a bright star appears in the sky, even though it’s daytime)
Laura: You’re right! I’d better make a wish before someone else does! (she kneels and clasps her hands) Star light, star bright, the Ham Star I’ll wish on tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, keep the Ham-Ham Kingdom happy and bright.
(The Ham-Star starts glowing red)
Sandy: What’s happening? It’s red!
Howdy: Look! The Ham Star!
Dexter: It’s glowing red!
Laura: Elder Ham, the wise one.
(Elder Ham is sitting nearby, dressed like a wizard with a pointy hat)
Maxwell: What does this mean? Why is the Ham-Star red?
Elder Ham: (opens eyes) Red star in morning, Hamdom take warning.
Maxwell: Uh, come again, please?
Elder Ham: This means that a great calamity with fall upon the land. The Wicked Ham Wizard will turn the skies black, and the sunflowers will wither and die.
Howdy, Maxwell, Dexter, and Sandy: (gasp, talking all together) The Wicked Ham Wizard will turn the skies black, and the sunflowers will wither and die?
Howdy: (tired) That was tough.
Dexter: (also tired) Took enough practice.
Stan: The knights of the Ham table will save the day! Princess Laura, fear not, for your brave and humble Sir Stan has a solution.
Laura: And that is?
Everyone Else: Go on.
Stan: We packeth our bags and run away!
Everyone Else: (falls down)
(Stan’s belt falls down, he blushes)
Laura: Anyone else?
Howdy: Run away, he says. What kind of a thing is that for a brave knight to come up with.
Stan: I was just voicing what you were all thinking. Give me a minute and I’ll run my plan B by you guys.
Howdy: Plan B?
Pashmina: Yeah, bet it has something to do with hiding.
Elder Ham: Oops, I must have drifted off there. I’ll have a big sunflower over easy. Yeah!
Maxwell: (mad) Evil wizard, remember?
Elder Ham: Mmm hmm. Oh, yes, a brave, young hamster wielding the sacred Ham sword shall appear from a foreign land and save our land from evil.
Laura: But how will we recognize him? Everyone around here weilds a sword.
Pashmina: Well, I don’t carry a sword, and I’m not from a foreign land, so I guess that pretty much rules me out.
Maxwell: Well, heroes are always just outside the village, so, let’s bring the story to the hero!
(So, just like Maxwell said, the story goes out to the outskirts of the sunflower fields, where we see Hamtaro, wearing a cape and carrying a sword, limping along.)
Hamtaro: I’ve lost Brandy, I’ve run out of water, this cape’s too tight, can’t go on…
(Hamtaro faints. Meanwhile, Bijou and Oxnard are coming down the path in the other direction. Bijou is carrying a little picnic basket.)
Bijou: Up ahead!
Oxnard: That hamster needs help!
(Bijou and Oxnard rush over to Hamtaro.
Oxnard: Hif hif hif. Nope. Smells like artichokes. Not from around here.
Bijou: He appears to be unconscious.
Oxanrd: Tickle his nose. That always wakes him up.
Bijou: (tickles Hamtaro’s nose) Cootchi-cootchi-coo.
(Hamtaro wakes up)
Hamtaro: Something sure smells good.
Bijou: Welcome to the neighborhood. Here.
(Bijou takes a sunflower seed out of her little basket and gives it to Hamtaro.)
Hamtaro: Don’t mind if I doeth! (takes sunflower seed and eats it)
Bijou: (thinks) How romantic. He eats with both paws.
Hamtaro: If it weren’t for a nagging sense of destiny, I’d feel like a new Ham.
Bijou: My basket is small, and thankfully, so is your appetite.
Oxnard: (holding his sunflower seed) This is my last one.
Hamtaro: Hamtaro would never consider taking your last seed (pulls out sword) but I might take half of it!
Hamtaro: (sheathes sword) I’m just practicing for a play I’m in.
Bijou: Oh, he’s an actor and a knight!
Hamtaro, Bijou, and Oxnard: (laugh)
Oxnard: Oh! You wouldn’t happen to be a brave swordsman looking for a village to save, would you?
Bijou: Please, say it’s so.
Hamtaro: You want me to be the hero?
Bijou and Oxnard: (nod) Mmm hmm.
Hamtaro: Guess I could spare a couple minutes.
Oxnard: Should only take twenty minutes or so.
Bijou: You will be great.
Hamtaro: Okay, but I’ve only got twenty minutes. Any longer, and I might have to charge you overtime.
Bijou and Oxnard: (fall down)
(Back at Laura’s castle, everyone has gathered in the throne room. Laura is sitting on the throne.)
Maxwell: Your Highness, I give you Sir Hamtaro the Brave.
Elder Ham: Are you the gallant hamster who will save us?
Hamtaro: That’s what they tell me.
Elder Ham: Pay your respects to Princess Laura, leader of all Hamdom.
Laura: Approach the throne, Brave One.
Hamtaro: (steps forward and kneels) Your highness.
Laura: Have we met before?
Hamtaro: I think not, Your Highness, but… (tilts his head)
Laura: You’re familiar.
Hamtaro: It’s the ears. I get that all the time.
Laura: Yes, I suppose.
Hamtaro: (bows) I am at your service, Your Highness.
Stan: That cape of his does seem a little showy, but otherwise, he looks okay to me.
Howdy: Yeah, me, too. Hamtaro, how long you been practicing with your sword?
Hamtaro: Well, actually, I’m just getting started.
Stan, Howdy, and Dexter: Huh?
Hamtaro: Don’t worry, Guys, I’m a fast learner.
Laura: Ah, what refreshing honesty.
Pashmina: It’s honestly refreshing.
Penelope: Ookyoo! Ookyoo!
Jingle: (off screen) A princess dazzling like the sun, she brings out courage and lyrics in everyone. True love I have come to find in the land of yellow.
(A guitar is heard)
Maxwell: Who goes there?
Jingle: What’s in a name? I go by Jingle, all the same.
(Jingle slides down the staircase and plays his guitar)
Stan: What form! What grace!
Jingle: (lands) Perfect touchdown.
Hamtaro: Yeah, sure, whatever.
Sandy: Wow, that was amazing.
Maxwell: You sayeth you’re looking for true love?
Jingle: I seek romance not for me, for my lyrics. Love a thorny sunflower.
Laura: How romantic. Who are you, Sir, who talks of sunflowers and touchdowns?
Jingle: I am Jingle the Poet, here to serve you, Your Highness.
Laura: I am Laura, and this is Elder Ham, the Wise One.
Jingle: (to Elder Ham) Greetings. (plays guitar) Here’s a little ditty, like sunflowers to the sun or dust bunnies to… (keeps talking as Howdy talks over him)
Howdy: The nerve of that guy! Doesn’t he know that there’s only room in our Hamdom for one singer/songwriter?
Dexter: (laughs) Well, lucky for him that post has been sitting vacant.
Jingle: (finishing his poem)…a penny in a mud puddle. Your highness, (gives a flower to Laura) A gift.
Laura: Thank you, Poet.
Howdy: Some gift. They grow everywhere.
Dexter: He’s much more entertaining than Hamtaro.
Hamtaro: (laughs nervously)
Maxwell: Elder Ham?
Elder Ham: The chosen one! Jingle is the legendary Ham who will save us! Or confuse us.
Oxnard: It’s not Hamtaro?
(Everyone looks at Hamtaro)
Hamtaro: I’m just your ordinary Ham. I bet it was the cape that threw you off. And now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be on my merry way.
Elder Ham: Halt! (eyes are spirals) There are only two parts for strangers in this dream. So, if he isn’t the brave one, he must be the wicked one. Arrest that evil Ham! Hurry, before my eyes spin out of control.
(Stan, Sandy, Maxwell, Howdy, and Dexter point their swords in Hamtaro’s face.)
Hamtaro: Wait! I’m innocent! I’m not wicked. I even help old ladies across the street.
Elder Ham: Arrest him! Lock him in the dungeon!
Bijou: We have caused him much trouble.
Oxnard: And we have to get him out.
(Hamtaro is dragged away)
Hamtaro: Call my tinker! Call my tailor! Call the candlestick maker!
(outside the castle, there are some glowing eyes in the shadows among the sunflowers)
Boss’s Voice: (evil laugh) At last the day has come for me to conquer this Hamdom of sunflowers and claim it for my own. (evil laugh)
(Back in the throne room)
Elder Ham: Gallant Jingle, you have saved our Hamdom from certain doom, so we shall reward you with as many sunflower seeds as you are able to carry. Now, about your duel with Hamtaro…
Jingle: Duels are for fools, not poets.
Elder Ham: Then you will defeat the Ham Wizard in a contest of rhyme?
Jingle: The winds of love call my name, they caress my cheek and gel my mane. I am foe of none. (gives Pashmina a flower) Foe of none, but not no fun.
Pashmina: (blushes, giggles)
Elder Ham: There once was a Ham named Jingle who came out with a top ten single.
Dexter: Anyone else confused?
Maxwell: Oh, yeah.
Howdy: I hate that modern poetry! Top this ditty. (steps forward and plays abacus like a guitar and sings badly) When you’ve got corns on your heels, does it make you wanna whimper, whine, and squeal?
Jingle: (plays guitar) A field of corn, a feast for the people. (walks away)
Howdy: Foot corns ain’t no feast.
Maxwell: I wouldn’t take it too personally if I were you.
(Hamtaro is in the dungeon, shaking the bars of his cell)
Hamtaro: Let me out! I’m innocent I tells ya! I have to get back in time for Laura’s journal! (lies down, sad) And bedtime snacks.
Bijou: We will assist you, Hamtaro.
(Bijou and Oxnard come down into the dungeon)
Hamtaro: It’s you!
Bijou: Shh! We don’t have a key, but we came to help you escape.
Oxnard: Maybe I can chew this sunflower seed down to key size.
Snoozer: Zu… Zu… Zu…
Hamtaro: Uh, oh, we’ve got company.
Bijou: If he comes out of his hole, there’ll be three more weeks of winter!
Oxnard: The sunflowers are already in trouble! Look!
(Snoozer has a ring of keys next to him. We see black clouds covering the sky for a second. Then, back in the dungeon, they open the cell and Hamtaro is free.)
Bijou: (gives Hamtaro his sword) Your sword.
Hamtaro: Thanks. (puts on the sword)
Oxnard: Let’s get ready before the real Wicked Ham Wizard shows up.
Hamtaro: Gosh, I don’t know.
Bijou: The whole Hamdom is at risk! Hamtaro, you are our only hope.
Hamtaro: You really think so? Maybe this is why I always felt the need to wear a superhero cape.
Snoozer: The gallant Hamtaro, an eagle in Ham-Ham clothing.
Hamtaro: (holds up his sword) Hamtaro at your service.
(Laura, Elder Ham, and the Ham-Ham Knights are standing outside of the castle. The sky is getting dark and cloudy, and it’s getting windy. There’s a big spiral in the sky)
Sandy: What’s going on?
Laura: We may need our royal raincoats.
Dexter: Methinks the Wicked Ham Wizard is straight ahead.
Elder Ham: Oops. Looks like we threw the wrong guy in the dungeon again. (does a weird laugh that sounds like) Nyah! Nyah! Nyah!
Maxwell: (holding a paper) Elder Ham! Jingle’s left the scene without doing his hero stuff!
Elder Ham: Who’s Jingle?
(Jingle is walking along a path leading away from the Castle)
Jingle: In this land of yellow, flowers and talk of corn, but love’s riddles remain incomplete like a bald man’s scalp gleaming through barcode hair.
(Back at the Castle)
Elder Ham: (reading the paper) “Good luck, signed, Jingle.”
(Up in the sky, Boss, who is a flying giant in a black cape with a magic staff, appears.)
Laura: What do you want, Wicked Ham Wizard?
Everyone Else: (gasps, scared)
Boss: I’m here to destroy your sunflowers, your castle, and your furry tale lifestyle. (blows a magic breath and turns the flowers to stone)
Dexter: The Wicked Ham Wizard must have loaded up on a case of icy breath mints.
Laura: That’s enough!
Boss: You doth have attitude, and that makes you a perfect Ham Wizard’s wife!
(Boss reaches down and picks Laura up in his paw, Pashmina and Penelope fall off her train. Dexter and Howdy catch Penelope. Pashmina lands on her own.)
(Hamtaro, Bijou, and Oxanrd come out of the castle)
Oxnard: He’s got the Princess!
Hamtaro: Your Highness!
Brandy: (barks off screen)
Hamtaro: It’s Brandy!
(Brandy comes running and stops in front of Hamtaro.)
Hamtaro: You’re finally awake!
(Hamtaro climbs up on Brandy’s back)
Hamtaro: You know the drill! Head for the skies!
Elder Hams: Chivalrous knights, blind the villain with your shining swords!
(The knights all draw their swords and charge at Boss)
Boss: (laughs) Give me your worst. Farewell, fools! (he knocks the knights back with the winds from his cape)
(Brandy runs past them with Hamtaro on his back)
Hamtaro: Brandy! Wings up!
(Brandy’s ears stick out straight like wings, and he runs and jumps into the air, flying like superman)
Bijou: This is exciting.
Hamtaro: Straight at him, Brandy!
(Hamtaro shoots Boss with a slingshot. The rock bounces off.)
Boss: (laughs) Is this the part where I say, “Ouch”?
(Brandy swoops at Boss, and Hamtaro swings his sword at him)
(Boss drops Laura. She falls.)
Hamtaro: Our maiden doth tumble! Flying dog, coming through!
(Brandy flies under Laura and catches her.)
Hamtaro: Are you hurt, Princess?
Laura: No, I’m just fine.
Hamtaro: Good thing Brandy learned how to fly recently.
Laura: You can say that again.
(Brandy lets Laura get off on the ground)
Laura: Thank you, Hamtaro.
Ham-Hams: Princess Laura!
Laura: Hello, Hams.
Hamtaro: There’s still one thing to take care of. Hit the skies, Brandy!
(Brandy takes off again.)
Hamtaro: Prepare to meet your match, Wizard of evil and other bad stuff!
Boss: Come at me, Rodent!
(Hamtaro swings his sword at Boss)
Ham-Hams: Who is that caped ham?
Boss: It’s Super Hamtaro and his meddling mutt!
(Boss breaks Hamtaro’s sword with lightnig from his magic staff)
Hamtaro: Oh, no! My trusty sword!
Boss: Uh, oh, cold front!
(Boss gets Hamtaro and Brandy with his petrifying breath. Hamtaro and Brandy turn to stone and fall to the ground.)
Boss: (laughs) ooh, that’s really gotta hurt. Now back to destroying the Hamdom.
(Boss makes stuff explode with his lightning magic. The Ham-Hams run away in terror. It looks pretty bad for the good guys.)
Hamtaro: Princess Laura…
(The Ham Star appears in the sky)
Laura: (kneels and clasps her hands) Oh, Ham Star, please save us from the Wicked Ham Wizard and help the gallant Hamtaro and his valliant flying dog, Brandy.
(a beam of light shines down from the Ham Star)
Boss: Hmm? What’s this light?
(Hamtaro and Brandy break out of their stone shells. Hamtaro runs over to Brandy)
Hamtaro: Wake up! I command you!
(A big, shining sword comes down from the sky)
Laura: Look, a sword.
Elder Ham: Now it’s all coming together. See? There’s the sacred sword I told you about.
(The sword sticks in the ground. It’s a lot bigger than Hamtaro’s old sword, and a lot prettier. Hamtaro grabs the big sword and climbs up on Brandy’s back. Brandy starts flying again.)
Hamtaro: En garde, Wicked Ham Wizard!
Boss: That’s Mister Wicked Ham Wizard to you!
(Boss shoots lightning at Hamtaro, but Hamtaro blocks it with his new sword. Hamtaro jumps off Brandy’s back and hits Boss with the sword.)
Boss: (yells, turns into rainbow light and breaks into little triangles)
(the clouds go away, and the sky is blue again.)
Hamtaro: Overcast in the morning, clearing in the afternoon.
Ham-Ham: He did it!
(Everything turns back to normal)
Hamtaro: (smiles) All’s well.
(The hamsters are standing on a stump. Hamtaro is on Brandy’s head. Laura is sitting next to them.)
Elder Ham: Hamtaro, I knew all along you were the brave and legendary hamster.
Howdy: I suppose you accused him of being the Wicked Ham Wizard so he could meet your daughter the dungeon rat.
Elder Ham: You’re very wrong, Young Knight. No, I just wanted to keep him out of trouble and somewhere safe until the real Wicked Ham Wizard came along. (laughs nervously)
Howdy: Yeah, nice try.
Laura: (to Hamtaro) You saved the Ham-Ham Kingdom and everyone in it. I’m eternally grateful, Hamtaro. You, too, Dog of Flight.
(Brandy barks and Hamtaro falls off his head.)
Elder Ham: Three cheers for Hamtaro! Hip, hip!
Everyone Else: Hooray!
Elder Ham: Hip, hip!
Everyone Else: Hooray!
Elder Ham: Hip, hip!
Everyone Else: Hooray!
Boss: (regular size and scratched up, lying on the ground next to a broken staff) I’m sorry. I’ll never, ever do anything bad again. I promise.
(the dream world fades away, and Laura and Hamtaro wake up in their room. Laura’s door opens, and Boss the Wicked Ham Wizard steps in!)
Laura and Hamtaro: Aah! The Wicked Ham Wizard!
(It’s just Laura’s Mom in a black raincoat.)
Laura’s Mom: Wicked Ham Wizard? Who’s that?
Laura: Mom, it’s you.
Hamtaro: (thinks) Laura’s mom. Sure. Yeah.
Laura: I must have fallen asleep.
Laura’s Mom: You looked like you’d seen a ghost when I walked in just now.
Laura: Probably. I had a funny dream.
Hamtaro: (looks up at her, thinks) Yeah? You too?
(that night, Laura is writing in her journal)
Laura: I had a really bizarre dream today. It was about knights and an evil wizard, and yours truly was a princess, of course. And you were in it, too, Hamtaro.
Hamtaro: (thinks) Tell me about it. I had the exact same dream, too, Kiddo.
Hamtaro: (thinks) It was pretty realistic, too, you know, with me being the brave hamster that saved the day and all. Ah, it’s all in a day’s work.
Laura: We sure had a good time today, didn’t we, Hamtaro? And tomorrow—you guessed it—it’s gonna be even more fun.
Hamtaro: (thinks) Sounds good to me.
(We see Laura’s house from the outside.)
Laura: ‘Night, Brave Hamtaro.
Hamtaro: ‘Night, Princess Laura.